The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
