Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
