apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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