I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
