I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
PANTIES FOUND
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