my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
