Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
