WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
