I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
