it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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