this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
