ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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