dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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