Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
