So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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