Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
