I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
