he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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