She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
