I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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