how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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