It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
