i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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