The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
