You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
