My sheets look like a crime scene.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
