the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
