I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
