that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
