I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
