I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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