so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
