my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
