I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
