So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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