She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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