I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
