you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize