Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We are two peas in an std pod
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
