you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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