Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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