No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
