I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
