when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
