Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
