i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
