I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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