you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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