I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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