Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just high enough for therapy.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
