I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Drunk is a universal language darling
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
